How not to be horni in Bangalore

Please forgive me for using the “h” word, but I couldn’t get the right one. Horn_i here means a driver who frequently uses the vehicle horn, mostly without any positive or useful effect. This having been clarified, henceforth the word will be spelt “horni”.

A fictional study conducted by a reputed automobile association has come up with some rather startling facts. It seems that in Bangalore, yellow-plate passenger vehicles (cabs, sumos/ qualis, mini-buses etc) on an average give a 16 percent higher mileage than other vehicles. And if it is used for call –centres / BPO companies, the figure goes further up to 18 percent. When I read this report, the engineer in me was intrigued. S

So what is going on? How does one improve fuel efficiency? Well the bad news is that you can’t get higher mileage just by changing the colour of the number plate to yellow. You have to be seriously horni to get there. Here is how it works. As a result of continuous horni_ing, an envelope of charged particles is created around the front of the vehicle. This is a low-pressure area. So the air from the rear of the vehicle pushes the vehicle forward. Of course by this time the driver has created a further envelope in the front. This natural-assist is what reduces fuel-consumption. All of this of course requires skill.

And just how horni can you get? There are a number of places you can go to learn the art and science of being horni. Mostly these are places that are run as offshoots of driving schools. We met up with one of the people running a school. He was one Mr. Honkerappa from Assholenarsipur Horni Driving School. He said that to really do a good job at being horni, you have to take at least 40 hours of instruction. He did however offer some tips. Here they are

· Well, the driver must know precisely when to be horni. Some recommended situations are: at traffic lights when there is no space for any other vehicle to move an inch forward or to the side; · For added saving, being horni a split second after the traffic signal changes from red to green is highly recommended. Never mind the fact that you are sixth in line and it will be a full minute before the other vehicles in front of you move. Just be horni and see the performance go up.
· You must also recognize when someone else is being horni and hogging all the action. Never allow the vehicle in front of you to have an empty space in front of his vehicle. For the natural-assist to work, the space in front of YOUR vehicle must be empty. So be horni with all your might.

We also asked him if there was any special equipment or car accessory that was recommended. He suggested model PITA from M/s Balasubramanian Horn Company of Coimbatore. It’s a huge hit already with all call centre vehicles in Bangalore. You cant miss its strident / rude sound on Bangalore roads. It endows the driver with a rudeness quotient far beyond his biological limits. And its been proven to improve horniness. Interestingly, the advertising tagline of the company is “You can’t be seriously horni if you don’t have Bals”

Finally, are there any side effects or can one be horni all the time? Well occasionally you may come across a driver who takes offence at the rudeness. He may actually gun you down. It has been reported in the US of A. Then of course you can’t be horni around hospitals and schools. In my own case, I have a special sound–activated switch in my car. If someone is being too horni, the switch kicks in and my car remains stalled in front of the horne?y driver for 5 minutes. By which time he has lost it.

Recommended Reading:
· Medico Legal Issues in Horni Driving by Mr. Balasubramanian, Coimbatore.
· First Aid on the Road published by Bangalore Call centre Drivers’ Association
· If you are Horni, don’t do it from the backseat… Anonymous

Size 36 ?

Have you ever noticed how men’s pants come only in even numbered waist-inch sizes ? So you have a 34 and a 36 but no 35. My waist size is 35 and I am forever struggling between 34 and 36. The 36 size pants are too baggy and loose and one has to wear a belt. But that bunches up the waist band and it doesn’t look quite neat. Also, there is no point in sweating it out at the gym if one has to wear baggy pants. The 34, as can be expected are a trifle tight. I always have the nagging fear that they will tear at the wrong moment. Also this size is also tight on the butt and the seam of the innerwear gets displayed rather publicly. Plus I feel like an ageing and unfit Bollywood or Tamil hero, desperately trying to keep the tummy in check by wearing a tight trouser.

But the point is, do Indian ready-made garment manufacturers expect men to grow (or shrink) in jumps of 2 inches ? Hey, what do u know, when I slept last night my waist size was 34 and this morning its 36. Yippee !! There is always of course the option of having the waist ‘altered’, but then the fit never comes right. And it’s no longer a readymade, right? So whats the way out for “odd” people like me. In the US of A (where else, but) they have sizes like 35 and 37, but I travel there once in 10 years, so that’s not a practical option.

What works for me though is something rather interesting and maybe uniquely Indian. Not all 34 ‘s are 34. Some are almost 35. (And not all 36’s are 36 ,some are more silicone !!). I am not joking, Try out a few different brands and you soon find that each manufacturer uses the size almost as a product differentiation feature. Sometimes the variations can be within the same brand.

So it takes a bit of time and struggling in cramped trial rooms with half a dozen pants , but I usually get a pair that fits. (Ever wonder why its called a trial room ? Well try four trousers one after the other, and you will notice what a trial it is). End-piece: Once in the USA I tried a size 36 and was floating in it. Then I tried 34 and it was still too loose. Moral of the story : in the USA , I am a smaller man !!